Don't you hate that you can remember stupid worthless things, but forget important things, like why you walked into a particular room and what you meant to get there?

Today is my ex-whatever you call him (pretend boyfriend?) 's birthday. The only reason I remember is because my brain holds useless facts. This is also why I can punch up the 80s station and most likely tell you some stupid fact about whoever is singing (due to too much teen magazine reading as a youngster!)

Chris is 29 now I think. His old email address was shadowdragon76, so I'm thinking that 76 would be the year he was born, hence making him really old this year. I've not talked to him in a few years, but I'm guessing that he still have no reliable income, he still prefers role playing to actual living, and he's gone far far over 400 lbs. in weight. I don't know if he ever made child fiance his child bride, but either way I'm sure he's by now increased the worlds population by at least one bastard. He still owes me money. I'm sure it's in the mail. Yeah. Ok.

Yes, I know it's time to let go. I want the money though. I would like to know how accurate my predictions of his life are right now, but let's just say I would bet the house on his status being the same. I have no love left for him. I don't have much hate either. Oh, I still think he's less appealing than pond scum with dead fish floating on it, but really, does that have to ever change?

Those who know my history with Mr. Forster know I have little reason to forgive him. But I have. In my heart. Because I need to. I also take pity on him. I'm still thankful for Dizzy for helping me make the break I needed from him. Now I can so easily see how abusive that relationship was. Not that he meant to be abusive, I just used the lousy way he treated me to further punish myself. Therapy, ah golden therapy, was what helped me see that it was a pattern of abusive behavior for me. Mentally, he beat me up as bad as my mother ever has, and I let him. I thought he was the best I could do and I should be thankful for that. I also used him as punishment for myself. I would hurt myself over and over, telling myself that if a lousy jerk of an asshole like Chris could love me, what was I really worth.

I thank God that I am not that woman any more. Girl is more like it. I've grown up so much in the past few years. Granted I'm still working on never ever letting anyone (or myself) be a reason to hurt myself, but never ever again will I let myself be lost because of another person. Never again will who I am take second place to who they try to make me into. Never ever again will I try to hold on to someone just to be able to say I have someone. Learning to love myself freed me from that. I'm ashamed that I settled for him just to have a claim to someone. It makes me understand why woman fall for prisoners. That's what happens when you are desperate for some shred of self worth. As shameful as it was to think I loved someone so far removed from the kind of person I wanted to love, I'm so proud now of where I am and the relationship I'm in.

That's the good part of it. Being with M has shown me that I can be loved and I can love. It has given me independence, yet someone to count on. It's shown me that love and a relationship is not about dependancy, but about a willingness and want to exist together.

So happy birthday Chris, where ever you are in your life. My wish is that the good you did show me some how has grown to over take the less desirable traits you have. Your self-proclaimed monster will probably never die, but perhaps with age you'll out grow the excuses. Even better, maybe some day you'll learn to love yourself too...

::If at any point you don't like my opinion::
::you don't have to share the same::
::Isn't the free world amazing that way?::
::Individuality rocks!::

::The people in my diary are just that, people.::
::If you think you are one of them,::
::then only admit it if you are one of the good ones!::
::If your are hurt and offended thinking you::
::are someone negatively mentioned in my diary,::
::stop doing what you are doing!::
::Perhaps you'll see me write nicer stuff about you!::
::If you think you know me and::
::are dying of curiousity, email me.::
::I won't promise to tell you,::
::but at least I'll know you're out there!!::