Oh where to start, where to start?

I guess my two journals will collide a little bit today. I had moved the weightloss issues to notaboutthin but sometimes the two worlds are one. Kind of. Vaguely. Whatever.

The past few weeks have been different for me. I went from happiness in having money to fix my damn brakes, to having that car go down in flames literally, to buying a new car that is much nicer than the escort I figured I'd be able to afford, to having pms and a slight weight gain, to going out of control for a few days, to recommitting to my health, and all was accomplished in time to start getting nervous about my surgery.

Now that being said, I'm rather relaxed today. I'd say it's the drugs, only I'm not on any.

My weight, my life, my health, my mother.

My weight is finally heading the way I want it to, without much struggle until you throw the mother factor in. The mother factor wiill always exist, it's up to me to handle it. She's being pleasant and complementary right now. Me being me suddenly turned this into immense pressure on myself as not to fail. Or to fail. I'm not sure, whatever ruins my dreams, that's what I do.

My life is relatively stable right now. M is in a weird mood getting deeper into the "I love you and can't ever lose you" thing, which he does every now and then. At least now the secret words have come out. "You're going to lose all your weight and find a new guy." He hasn't tried to sabotage me, he just spoke his own fears. All I can say is that isn't my plan book and he'll have to put his trust in me.

My health is in limbo. I have to get ahold of Doc H about my thryoid tests. Elevated levels, so perhaps some medication in my future. Frankly to not feel like I have my hands and feet incased in ice all the time, I'd be willing to swallow a horse pill. My surgery on my arm is a week from Tuesday. I'm not even going to be put all the way under. Truthfully it sounds like it's equivalent with having a root canal, only instead of digging out some nerve, he's going to route the rod out of my arm and possibly put a new one in. It's up in the air how much use of my elbow I'll get back. I've decided for my own heart break to figure next to no use of it and be pleased with whatever I get. Yeah, that's what I'm telling myself. Anything less then 50 percent will honestly leave me sad, but as with everything, I'll move on.

My mother, where do I start. She was just diagnosed with macular degeneration and will be having surgery after the first of the year. Her surgery is one that requires her to lay face down until her eye is healed. At best it will be a week. It took her sister over 2 months to heal. Having her tell me was an odd moment for me. I love my mother, but the emotional detachment was never so apparently strong for me as when my first thought (not said outloud thank God for censoring myself) was "wow, sucks to be you!" I murmered all the appropriate sentiments I felt necessary, assured her I'd stop by to visit a few times, but mostly my thoughts were on wondering if my own eyes would some day be suffering the same fate. With this level of detachment to my own mother, I've been questioning why I let her influence other parts of my life.

The answer to that is simple. I let her. I've made that choice a million times over. I'm trying now to make the conscious choice to not let her be that influence. I gained weight to hurt her. It's my only way of saying "fuck you Mom, you can't control me!" What does that do for me? Nothing. Nothing at all. Instead I'm working on "fuck you mom, I'm happy and you hate that! I'm successful at this and you are jealous! Deal with it!"

I'm feeling more at peace now. I think my Friday morning therapy has been quite beneficial to my mental and physical health.

::If at any point you don't like my opinion::
::you don't have to share the same::
::Isn't the free world amazing that way?::
::Individuality rocks!::

::The people in my diary are just that, people.::
::If you think you are one of them,::
::then only admit it if you are one of the good ones!::
::If your are hurt and offended thinking you::
::are someone negatively mentioned in my diary,::
::stop doing what you are doing!::
::Perhaps you'll see me write nicer stuff about you!::
::If you think you know me and::
::are dying of curiousity, email me.::
::I won't promise to tell you,::
::but at least I'll know you're out there!!::