For reasons I don't completely comprehend right now, I decided this morning that it was time to start sticking to a calorie range. I think I've been in denial how much I put in my body. I've promised myself that I'd pick a healthy range of calories and do a good job of getting the most bang for my buck. I'm going to do a little more research, but right now I'm thinking 1800-2000 calories a day.

I'm going to talk to my counselor about this tonight. I want to keep focusing on how this is something that done without slipping into "bad" or "good" days will benefit my body. The problem never was counting calories, it was how I based my whole self worth on how much I ate (or didn't) and what the scale said.

Lorster doesn't seem to thrilled at me doing this. I know she's concerned I'm going to slip back into the "oh my god I ate too much, I'm bad, punishment time!" Honestly I want nothing like that. I was a base. A guideline. Something to help me focus on being good to myself. I find myself more and more eating stuff just because it's proof that I can keep it down. Well, that's fine and dandy, but in some ways I'm stuffing myself just to prove that I can't lose weight. Ah the insecurities.

Last week my counselor pointed out that I'm a very big "do as I say, not as I do" kind of person, meaning the good things apply to everyone but me. The same has always applied to weight loss for me. If 1800 calories is a safe number that will help with health and weight loss, it will be good for you, but not me.

When I lost weight before, of course I liked it and it made me happy, but doing it for me wasn't the main focus. I wanted my mother to be proud and love me finally. I wanted my ex-boyfriend to think I was wonderful. I wanted it for every reason except for wanting it for me and my health. When it didn't make my mom love me and didn't make C act like I wanted him to like, and it didn't solve all my problems in the world or change all the things I felt about myself, it went to punishment (still with the hope of love.)

That person is only around in little lingering bits. Mostly now there is the self esteem issue. It's not as strong as I want it to be. That is why I over eat still. It's a "worth" thing to me. That little nagging voice says "you're not worth it. You can't do it." It's seriously like over eating is the last fingerhold I have on forgiving myself for whatever it is I think I did wrong, letting go of punishing myself, and finally getting to taking care of myself because I'm worth it.

When I started losing weight I was already bulimic. I was already in the bad food, good food stage and it took a long time to really get bad, but my thoughts on it never were right. That was back in September 1999. There was always one constant in my thought. I wanted to be small. Pretty much at any cost. Small was what would make mother proud of me. Small would make me worth loving. The smaller the better. At times I had visions of not eating and mother begging me to eat, like that would be the ultimate victory. Smaller was going to make me a good enough person in the eyes of an arbitrary world. When I stopped getting smaller, the punishment and the "at all means" got stronger. It slowed down when I met M, because I finally was feeling loved, but it never faded away.

I don't want to punish myself any more. God how I want to live and be at peace. I want to get back to breezing through my day physically because I'm lighter and stronger, but without the nagging feeling that I'm not far enough and that eating is bad for me.

My motivation is far different this time. I want my mobility back. I miss how easy it was to get around. I imagine it will be even better this time since I'll be feeding my muscles. I want my strength back. I'm not weak by any means, but I want to nurture that feeling you get when your muscle work and flow through movements. I want the comfort of being able to sit any where. I want to fit back into captains chairs and such. Most importantly this time it's all about my health.

If I don't love myself, nothing else matters. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. It also doesn't matter how anyone else feels about me. No crazy goals here ... just to stick in a healthier calorie range and take the time I need to take care of my body. It's going to take mroe work to stop the punishment but I feel like I've had a mini-version of the "ah-ha" that my couselor said I've needed. It was truly like this morning I went "holy crap, I've just substituted over eating as my punishment."

::If at any point you don't like my opinion::
::you don't have to share the same::
::Isn't the free world amazing that way?::
::Individuality rocks!::

::The people in my diary are just that, people.::
::If you think you are one of them,::
::then only admit it if you are one of the good ones!::
::If your are hurt and offended thinking you::
::are someone negatively mentioned in my diary,::
::stop doing what you are doing!::
::Perhaps you'll see me write nicer stuff about you!::
::If you think you know me and::
::are dying of curiousity, email me.::
::I won't promise to tell you,::
::but at least I'll know you're out there!!::